When I was in my early 20s, someone came into my life for a short period of time, a person I felt connected with instantaneously and we could talk for hours and all night. He tried really hard to convince me that I was lovable and that my happiness and life direction mattered to those who cared about me. I was not convinced, at all. Later, that same feeling led me to choices that continued to create more pain in my life. What the world reflected back to me was painfully distressing because I could not become who I thought I should be, what my world was asking me to be. The distress had a hold on me and I became terrifically estranged from myself. I became deeply isolated in the world.
This pain continued deep within me over the years, while I masked it with some very unskillful and skillful strategies. The unskillful strategies led to more pain, health issues, and keeping love far, far away (though I always felt like love was keeping me far away). The skillful strategies were helpful, like meditating, connecting with friends or being intimate in the world of others through work. If I couldn’t actually see, know, love myself, at least I could offer that with others. Ultimately, I was left dissatisfied on deeper levels, as I continued to feel deeply estranged from myself and deeply isolated because no one knew me.
The thing is, in my human design chart, I am someone with a defined G center. That means I radiate on an energetic level lovability. I am lovable and I don’t have to do a thing to be lovable. About half of the people in US have defined G centers and radiate their lovability on an energetic level while the other half question their lovability (this other half are on a path to be wise about love and knowing others in a very deep way). Somehow, in my distress of trying to become who my world was asking me to become, I became disconnected from my inherent nature. It was like having a layer of soot that I carried on me everywhere I went. This soot was trying to change the shape and nature of who I am and even as I write this, I can feel the discomfort and pain of carrying the soot around.
This morning as I lay in bed, different moments and pieces of “me” arose. It was like I was feeling and connecting with different parts of myself that have been reflected in my chart. I saw the pain in my heart, the soot or imprint of trying to be other, and felt the discomfort of the mismatch in my body. So very painful. I felt my ego structure that built itself to ward off pain, rigid and tight, also warding off people and love. And then, I noticed the warm embrace that came from within me for this isolated ego structure. My body started to feel alive. I was feeling warmth and love. This is the kind of love I have been longing for so much and it was flowing from within me, deeply embracing me. Tears rolled down. I was basking in love, as that feeling of love continued within my body.
May we all heal from the pain of separation from who we truly are. May we all see, love, and honor who we truly are. May we all see, love and honor others for who they truly are.