Many of us are instinctively afraid of our deepest inner longings. How do we transform this hunger into food for our souls?
I’ve been feeling really hungry lately. It feels like a mixed blessing, as I open up to my dreams and fantasies, my desire to play, and increased energy. The mixed part is the feeling of insatiable hunger, an inner longing that feels uncomfortable and tenses up my body. It feels like conditioning that holds me back, usually subsiding this hunger to the subconscious.
This hiding of our inner hunger is what often creates a feeling of blah in our lives. Coming from a background of spiritual teachings that say desire or attachment are the cause of our suffering ends up becoming co opted by our egos so we end up burying this hunger even deeper. We start to negate those feelings and impulses. The brunt of the negation is felt in our bodies, often beyond our awareness. There is a feeling of deadness, lack of sensation, tension, holding, etc. The mind can spin, numb out, or become sleepy in order to hold down our feelings. Often, this ends up creating habits where we endlessly try to fill our inner hunger with substitutes that keep us perpetually hungry. Our psyches work really hard to do whatever they need to hold away from our awareness that which feels threatening or uncomfortable.
Do you relate? What if instead of making your insatiable hunger wrong, you invite your hunger to be felt? What if you allowed your body to move and be moved so that you open to what it’s capacity to feel really is? What if you allowed yourself to be uncomfortable as you explore what this insatiable hunger feels like and what it wants to communicate?
This morning as I sat down with the tension in my back and my mind spinning, I started to write. I wrote about what “out there” I wanted to satisfy this seemingly endless hunger. Yep, judgment arose because this hungry part would do anything to be filled. At least that’s what it felt like. Fear arose because there was so much hunger that I didn’t know if I could remain in integrity with myself in how I filled it. I felt out of control with how big it was. Yet, all that was happening was that I was exploring in the safety and quiet of my writing sitting alone at home. In order words, I was exploring all my conditioning that was holding me back.
I started to notice something else too. I was starting to let my longing breathe. As I continued to explore, I noticed more and more that my consciousness was inwardly directed. I started to have more curiosity about what the longing is rather than what in particular would fill it. I started to become more clear about my desire, now that it wasn’t just the stench of buried longing. My body started to fill with increased sensation, even pleasure. I started to flop between wanting something out there and realizing how accessible what I want is internally.
Honestly, I still want that something out there, however this feeling became one of fullness. Instead of wanting something out there to fill me, I want to be met. My posture shifted as my arms opened wide and feeling my chest open. I was now in relationship to the universe, more in an allowing space to receive what matches my feeling of fullness.
Curiosity arises – what will your hunger lead you to? What clarity? What does that feeling of fullness feel like? In deepest truth, what is your hunger pointing to?
Please comment and let me know how this post may have inspired or impacted you. I would love for you to share.