Last summer I toured with Amma, the incarnate Divine Mother, through most of the United States. Steeped in that incredible energy and connection, my prayer during that time with her was to be guided in my life. During that time I felt like I only needed to know the next step, and then the next, and then the next. There was no need for me to see beyond what was here as the next step. I was asking for faith and a sense of surrender.
The next few months after my time with Amma, I continued to receive grace and remain focused on my intention. It was a rich and deep time. My journey has continued with similar themes, working my muscles through different circumstances and levels of support in connecting with that sense of mystery and surrender.
This week, I experienced a shift in my life in starting a new venture. I can relax into this next step only through not knowing how it fits into my life journey. I relax when I connect with this being the next step offered by the divine. After all, whenever I’ve looked back at periods of my life and changes, it feels as though each step and “misstep” in my life has been a part of a perfect unfolding. Yup. Even though I often questioned the perfect unfolding as it was happening.
In line with the questioning and not knowing, my ego is freaked out. The feeling is of being raw, exposed, vulnerable. I feel wired and I cannot find a way to soothe. On a greater collective level, there are many who are experiencing rawness and feeling revved up. It’s hard to find a soothed place internally. Do you relate?
What do we do with whatever we’re experiencing on a collective and/or personal level, no matter how off or wrong it feels? When our egos are freaking out? When we feel totally out of control?
Today, I sat as much as I could with the part of me that feels raw and out of control. I allowed myself to feel it rather than trying to cover it up. Soon after, I found myself naturally calling upon the divine. The transition was smooth. Though I had to effort initially to open to connecting with and receiving the divine, there was a feeling of connection. I was no longer my ego trying to do “it” completely alone. Connecting with the divine, I then found myself asking to be soothed, held, loved, and cared for. In my asking, again I paid attention to how my experience was moment to moment. There were moments when I felt the same rawness and moments when I felt empowered in the asking. I was no longer fully identified with my ego as I connected with the divine and asked.
In the world we live in, where the divinity in us isn’t a part of our everyday reality, separation is large part of our experience. Most of us do not live in communities where we walk around recognizing and mirroring the divine in each other. Our own nature is largely hidden from us. Our egos become ever increasing structures that attempt to compensate for this loss of connection.
Fortunately, there are innumerable paths back into connection. What are some ways that you return from the land of separation? What are you doing lately to care for your ego that is trying so hard to cope with the loss of connection? I invite you to take a moment to send some love to your ego. It is trying to do a job that it cannot possibly do.
May we wake up to our own divinity. May our egos feel cared for, nurtured, and loved by the divine. May our communities become increasingly aware of the divinity within us and each other.